Notes From My Easel

Lennie and I shared a beautiful love affair for 996 days and nights from Valentine’s Day 2009, when we met by serendipitous chance on the Internet, to November 7, 2011 when he died in my arms in his beloved Hawai’i.

The following is a pictoral history of some of the early photos in the short span of life that we shared.  How we filled that time with love, laughter and devotion to each other.

First kiss - March 25, 2009

On tour at the Plantation

At the Pali Lookout

One of my favorite photos of us at Haleiwa Joe's

Reunion after being apart for a few weeks

Happy and in love in Hawai'i

Being tourists at the Dole Plantation

At Fort DeRussy, Waikiki

Rachel's Lei stand - Lennie got a lei for me every time I arrived

Lennie and I with Chaucer, travelling to Rochester to visit his family

Lennie's birthday party - August 26, 2009

At Ala Moana Beach in Honolulu

Vehementer vive, valde ama

Kathryn

www.kathrynsmith.ca

“I am courting you Kathryn.”  Lennie was at the Ala Moana Hotel standing out side of Rumors Night Club.  In the background I could hear the music playing.  It was a duet between Nat King Cole and his daughter Natalie Cole.  It was a recording of Unforgettable. “I came outside where I could call you.  I’m just standing here listening to the music and pretending that I’m dancing with you.  It’s so strange, but I would rather be out here, talking to you on the phone, than in there dancing with one of the women.”

Going dancing at Rumors Night Club was Lennie’s Friday night ritual.  He had been doing it for several years.  It had been part of his weight loss program when he had arrived back in Hawai’i after leaving his wife in 2002.  At that point, out of years of stress and emotional eating, he had weighed a staggering 325 lbs.  Through better eating habits, his Friday night dancing and the Bragg exercise class on the beach, outside Fort DeRussy in Waikiki and his love of swimming, he had lost 75 pounds.  Now he was looking pretty good; six-foot-one, a head of thick, wavy, dark hair and well muscled.  He didn’t have trouble finding someone to dance with.

“Just think”, I was saying, “in a couple of weeks I will be there.”  The 3 months had been shortened when I saw a seat sale on West Jet.  My arrival date was now March 26, a mere 3 weeks away.   “I can’t wait to go dancing with you.”, I said.   “Did I ever tell you that I took dance lessons at Fred Astaire?”  ”No, you didn’t.  I never took any lessons, but I have about 25 moves and I’m a strong leader.”  I love a strong lead dancer, I thought to myself and I imagined us whirling around the floor.  ”Because I’m a good dancer”, he was continuing, “I got a free European Cruise a couple of years ago.”  ”A free cruise?  How did you manage that?”  ”Well,  I saw this ad for dance partners on a cruise ship.  You see, there are always more women than men on cruises and the women want someone to dance with, so I signed up for it.  I had to go to a dance studio and prove that I could dance and get the owner to certify me as qualified and that was it.  So I signed up on this cruise that went from Japan to Russia and some ports in Europe.  Because I was considered entertainment, I got the use of everything on the ship that the passengers got.”  ”How much did you have to dance?”, I asked.  ”Not that much; just 45 minutes after lunch, and 45 minutes both before and after dinner.  I had to wear grey pants and a navy blazer and we weren’t supposed to dance with a woman twice before having danced with everyone.  And guess what Baby?  I always had the biggest lineup.  The women liked dancing with me because I’m such a fun guy.”  Somehow I already knew this.  Lennie was the kind of dancer that didn’t care if he got all the steps right; he didn’t care if the woman broke into the lead once in a while; as long as you were both having fun.    ”I’m going back in to get some more exercise.  You don’t mind do you – that I know you’re coming and I’m dancing with other women?”  ”No, of course not.  Why would I mind when you’ve been doing it for years?”  ”Good.”, Lennie said, “I don’t want you to be jealous.  You know what I do?  I look for the fattest and most unattractive lady and I ask her to dance.  You should see the way their face lights up and while they’re dancing, they’re waving to their friends to get their attention, like ‘Hey, look at me with this guy.’  It makes their night, and it gives them bragging rights to make them feel good.”  So, he was also kind.  We both liked the underdog stories and he was doing his part.  No, I could not wait to be dancing with him.

Lennie hung up the phone and went back inside Rumors while I replayedUnforgettable in my mind.  It really was only 3 weeks now before we would meet.  One of my friends from the dog park told me that West Jet flew out of Hamilton and that they occasionally had seat sales.  As luck would have it, when I went on to their web site, there it was – a 3-day-only seat sale.  I had immediately called Lennie.  ”Well, why don’t you book it before it’s gone?”  ”I don’t know how.  I’ve never bought anything over the Internet.  I’ve never bought anything over the phone either.”  I heard him sigh.  ”Well, it’s the only way that you’re going to get here.”, he said.  A frustrating (for him) hour later he had managed to convince me that the airline people would not use my credit card if I gave them the number.  It was safe and secure and the majority of people in North America did this all the time.  So it was done.  I had my flight booked for a wonderful 2 1/2 weeks.  Exhausted from dealing with my creditcardphobia he said that he was going to take a nap.  But, even though it was six hours later here, I felt empowered by my new Internet knowledge.  I went back on to the West Jet site.  There were more seat sales.  My return flight would bring me back to Hamilton in mid-April.  There was another seat in the middle of May that was on sale, but the only one that I could find for a return flight was five weeks after.  Oh well, I would stay for five weeks on my second trip.  And it was done.  I had now booked a second flight to Hawai’i for five weeks before even having met Lennie.

In the meantime, he had been asking me to send him some more photos of myself.  I know that he wanted some pin-up shots, but like he had said, “I know that’s not your style Baby.”  He had recalled stories that he told me of women that were dying to have him invite them to Hawai’i and sent him nude shots with their first e-mails.  Usually that had been enough for him to block them from his list.  But he wanted something cute.  So I had set up my tripod and taken some shots of me in a sarong and talking on the phone and in a swimsuit.  Lennie would like these.  The photo of me in the sarong would become one of his favorites and the one that he uploaded into his phone as his background.  I had had this sarong for over 25 years.  I had kept it for the day that I would be brave enough to travel to Hawai’i.  Now that day was drawing near.

About an hour and a half later Lennie had woken up from his nap.  My phone rang and I grabbed it on the first ring.  ”Hi Honey”, I said brightly.  ”Guess what I did?”  ”What Baby?”  ”I went back on the West Jet site and booked a second flight; for five weeks.”  There was silence.  The silence was followed by nervous laughter and then he said, “That’s my girl.  Go straight for the throat.”  I wasn’t sure what he meant by that.  ”That’s alright, isn’t it?  I think that we are both going to get along and the worst that can happen is that I have to cancel it and West Jet has this bank account thing that I can put the cancelled ticket into or even sell it to someone else.”  I was talking too fast.  ”It’s okay Baby.  It was just a surprise, that’s all.”  Later I would find out how much of a surprise it was to him.  He would tell me a year later that he had thought that I might be just a two week fling and that me booking that second flight before we had even met had helped to cement our relationship.

A couple of hours later he called me and said, “Guess what I’m doing?”  ”What?”, I asked.  ”I’m cleaning up the house for your arrival.  I’ve got my handyman and cleaning lady helping me.  We’re throwing out stuff and cleaning the place up.  I’m doing it for you, Kathryn.  I’m starting to nest.”

Kathryn

www.kathrynsmith.com

Most people say that this is the worst time of year if you are trying to deal with the death of someone you love.  I have a different opinion on this sentiment.  I am not coming from a psychology point of view, but one of experience, having just lost the man that I loved last month.  This is not only the most nostalgic time of year, but also the most festive, the most busy and for many, the most friendly.  The following are some tips that have helped me during this Christmas season and perhaps they can help you too.

1. Lean On Me – Friends have asked you what they can do for you, or have said to call when you need to talk.  You may not feel like attending any parties, but there are many activities that can take your mind off your own grief.  This is a lovely time of the year to have friends come over to keep you company, or to drop in on friends yourself.  Let someone take you out for the day and go shopping or to some Christmas recital that might take your mind off your loss.  It is also a great time of the year to volunteer or to offer to bake for Christmas sales, filling your home with warmth and comfort.
2. Turn On The Radio – Filling your home with music can be very beneficial to combat depression.  A CD can help, but I get more benefit out of the radio.  There is more of a connection to the outside world with the live broadcast.  Tune into one of the popular stations that tend to play more of the upbeat carols.  Your home won’t seem quite so empty and lonely.
3. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – While you may not feel like it at all, it will probably make you feel better if you can get up and haul out some of the Christmas decorations.  I forced myself to put up the tree for my annual studio open house and while I did not put up the monumental display of other years, the decorated tree and some red cushions and pine boughs give a warmth to my home that comfort and envelop me.
4. Keep Your Body Healthy – Keep a minimal amount of sweets and pastries in the house.  When you are dealing with sorrow it is very easy to neglect yourself.  Bad eating habits and Christmas treats will start to put weight on you and add to your depression with the bad effects that sugar has on your system.  Too much coffee, wine and sugar stimulates your already overworked adrenal glands, making you feel tired and exhausted.  This will only add to your depression.  If you don’t feel like cooking, then try to stock your fridge with some healthy vegetables and fruits or dishes that friends have made for you.
5. Just Breathe – You probably feel and ache in your heart like it is breaking or being crushed.  Commonly known as ‘broken heart syndrome’ you are experiencing chest pains that are very real.  You may even feel as if you cannot breath easily.  An over-production of stress hormones are causing your arteries to constrict, decreasing the blood flow and the flow of oxygen.  Take slow deep breaths in through your nose and exhale through your mouth.  Repeat this several times and in a few minutes your stress hormones will begin to regulate themselves.
6. Laughing vrs Crying – Watch some funny Christmas movies.  Laughter stimulates your endorphins, making you feel less stressed and promotes a feeling of well-being.  It relaxes you, boosts your immune system and increases blood flow which helps your heart to function better and will help take away some of the painful ache that you are physically feeling right now deep inside your chest.  Crying on the other hand has the opposite effect.  In a study on the effects of crying, over 60 percent of the study group said that they felt worse after crying alone, but a significant amount said that they felt better after crying with a friend.  This led the psychologists to realize that it was the act of talking to a friend and not the actual crying itself that lifted their spirits.  You may have your own favorite comedies, but here are two of my holiday favorites:  ”National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” and “Home Alone”.  Don’t neglect the power of the romantic comedies either.  I have watched “The Holiday” over and over this season.  It has brought back the feeling of love that Lennie and I shared and has made me feel happy each time that I have watched it.
7. Get Moving - While watching some Christmas shows can be good for your soul, you may be tempted to sit in front of the TV all day or all evening long.  Keep an inexpensive piece of exercise equipment where you like to watch TV.  You can use weights, pilates bands or a yoga mat, or whatever you think you would actually use.  I have an air-stepper in front of the TV.  I can get on and off whenever I want and I sometimes have to force myself to use it, but it is a lot easier when it is right there beside you.  In the daytime try to get out in the fresh air.  It will honestly boost your outlook.  I have found that my salvation is running through the woods with my West Highland Terrier, Chaucer.
8. Can’t Buy Me Love – That is how the Beatles song goes, but you can buy love.  It comes in many shapes and sizes and either purrs or barks.  There is a reason that the stereotypical image of the woman who loses her husband and goes out and gets a dog exists:  pets are comforting and welcoming.  They are always happy to see you.  They are always there to lend an ear to your woes.  They can also lessen your anxiety if you are suddenly alone in your home and provide you with protection and a sense of security.  Numerous studies have shown that the mere act of petting a dog or cat will lower your blood pressure.  They also give you a reason to get up every day… because they need you.  Your local animal shelter is full of dogs and cats that need someone to love just as much as you might need them.
9. Look Out Instead of In – Dwelling on your past and your lost love and the life that you had with him/her is not healthy.  Remember them, but don’t dwell.  You have to move forward whether you want to or not.  It is the only choice that we really have.  But that doesn’t mean that you can’t still spend time with them in your mind or even in reality.  I have found comfort in making a little area that is a tribute to Lennie and I with a lot of photos and some mementos that are special to me.
10. A Little Fantasy is Okay – It is the stuff that movies and books are made of.  We use to go out dancing every Friday night and had many impromptu whirls around the kitchen.  We still do… there have been many moments when I have felt his presence beside me or just a favorite song or carol has started to play on the radio.  So I dance.  I dance alone, but feel as if I am still in Lennie’s arms, as we sway around the kitchen floor.  You’re not crazy.  Sometimes you may find yourself talking to your lost love.  And you may even think that they are answering you.  They are.  They knew you so well that you know what their answers would be.  What would they be telling you right now? Lennie would be saying to me, “It’s alright to miss me baby, but don’t cry for me.  I am out of pain now and I am okay.  And you will be okay too.”  So when you think that you feel them beside you, know that they are there, for they will live eternally in your heart.  More so at this time of the year than any other their spirit will be felt.
11. Be Gentle With Yourself – Don’t push yourself.  If the Christmas cards don’t get sent out and the house is not exactly the way you like it, it’s okay; Christmas will still come.  Everyone (or at least the people who count) will understand.
12. Count Your Blessings – Remember the words of one of the great writers of love: “It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” You had something that many people only ever hope for.  You loved and were loved in return.

Blessings this Christmas,

Kathryn

www.kathrynsmith.com

“Just breath.”  It was the first time that I had heard Lennie’s voice on the phone.  It was a strong, masculine voice, but soft and comforting.  After 6 and a half days of dozens of e-mails I had finally gotten up the nerve to phone him.  He could hear the nervousness in my voice as I said, “Hello.”  “You sound scared to death.”, he said.  “Just breath.  We’ll do it together… 3 times… take a deep breath and let it out.  Again.”  Three times we breathed together and I felt more calm.  I had blocked my number before I called so that he wouldn’t be able to find my address the way that I had found him.  “Before we say anything”, I started, “I have to tell you something.  My name is Kathryn, not Rebeca as I told you in the e-mails.”  “I like the name Kathryn.”, he said.  It was okay with him that I had started off our relationship with a little lie.  I had made up an e-mail address and called myself Rebeca - Rebeca Mead after the fictitious character in the movie ‘Do Not Fold, Spindle or Mutilate’, the 1970s thriller about 4 little old ladies with too much time on their hands who invent a fictitious woman and submit her name to a computer dating site so that they can read the suitors’ letters, only to attract the attention of a serial killer who was plaguing the city.  Lennie saw the irony and humor in my choice of names.  And so began what he had wanted:  a conversation that never ends.  We talked that first evening – his time zone being 5 hours behind mine – for 2 1/2 hours, which was well into the night in Hamilton.  I fell asleep that night knowing that I was starting to fall in love.

From that night on we talked on the phone anywhere from 12 to 17 times a day.  At one point Lennie asked me, “Do you mind me phoning you so much?”  “No, I love talking to you.”, I reassured him.  It was the truth.  We talked constantly.  We talked about mundane things and everyday things.  He would wake me up in the middle of the night when he was going to bed in Hawai’i at about 9 p.m. and we would just lie there together in the darkness, each on our side with the phone  lying on our ear.  Sometimes we would say goodnight and at other times we would listen to each other breathing, having that trans continental connection of phone lines and satellites and just drift off to sleep.  20 years ago we would have been running up thousands of dollars in charges, but with the packages we both had we could stay connected almost indefinitely.

We phoned each other while we were doing the dishes or driving somewhere or while we were cooking and eating.  As Lennie had told me, we were actually getting to know each other far more than if we were together on a date since a lot of time would be spent just sitting, gazing into each others eyes.  Not being able to be in each other’s company we were forced to keep talking.  We got to know each other very well and the more we knew each other, the more we liked each other.

He had given me his cell phone number in one of his very first e-mails.  It’s amazing how much information you can get about someone over the Internet with just a phone number.  Through my super-sleuthing I now knew his address and his last name.  I started googling photos of ‘Lennie Schneider’ and was shocked as I saw photos of someone who looked very much like him, but a lot younger; a man in a newspaper clipping who was being taken away in hand-cuffs by the police.  Oh no!  What had he not told me?  Yet in these photos, the time line seemed a bit off; off by about 25 years if his age was correct.  From more snooping I found many newspaper clippings of Lennie Schneider – or Lenny Schneider as the photos listed.  I would soon discover that this Lenny Schneider was the real name of Lenny Bruce, the comedian, social satirist and pot smoker.  In his younger days he looked amazingly like my Lennie.

“I know I use to look like Lenny Bruce.  Now do you believe me when I tell you that I have nothing to hide; or do you want to keep snooping some more?”  ”Okay”, I said, “I believe you.  I just wanted to make sure.  Do you know that I have a friend at the dog park who knows someone who works for this agency in L.A.  They help people get back home when they have lost their passport or been robbed and have no money.”  I had his attention as he said, “And…”.  ”Well,”  I continued, “Did you know that 50 percent of their business is helping women who have met some guy on the Internet who they ended up giving all their money to and flying to meet only to be left stranded?”  ”Well, I’m not one of those guys.  So why don’t you start thinking about how you are going to make things happen and get over here.” he said.  ”Okay”, I replied.  ”I will come over.”  ”You know”, Lennie said, “I could fly to Canada and meet you… it’s just that it would be so much more romantic if we met in Hawai’i.”  ”I know Lennie, I would like that too.  So how about if we plan for 6 months from now?”  ”No”, he said.  ”I won’t wait that long for you.  Cut it in half Kathryn.”  ”Alright, I will be there in 3 months.”  I had committed.  I was starting things in motion to meet Lennie.

Kathryn

www.kathrynsmith.com

I was tired and drained as I sat in the Vancouver airport.  I was on my way home; home to Hamilton.  I was travelling on WestJet – the same route that I had taken that first time almost 3 years ago.  It is a bittersweet homecoming as I walked through the terminal, passing the art installations and shops that I had passed once before.  I remember the excitement of new love; the anticipation of meeting Lennie for the first time and the joy of planning a life with someone.  Now there was an ache in my heart.  If I had been shot or stabbed through the heart I would have died.  But this pain, as if my heart was cracked in two, was not one that I would die from, no matter how much it hurt.

Lennie and I had always stayed in constant communication while I traveled, making sure that I was okay.  But this time I sat there, feeling completely alone.  Lennie is gone, his ashes scattered over the blue ocean of Hawai’i and my once deep affection and love for his 29 year old daughter, Malia, shattered by her and the ex-wife’s covert actions as Lennie lay dying.

Life can often seem unjust, but we never know what lies ahead for us.  No one could have ever prophesied on February 13, 2009, that the very next day, by serendipitous circumstance I would meet, fall in love with and have 996 days and nights with a man who would become one of the most important people in my life.  For all of our trials and tribulations over the past 15 months treating his cancer, and for all of the sorrow and betrayal that I have endured with 2 of Lennie’s daughters and his ex-wife since his passing, I am grateful to God for putting Lennie in my life and I in his.  Although our time together was short he was the best time that I ever had.

Thank you Lennie Schneider for giving me the strength and courage to go on.  And most of all for giving me your unconditional love.  I will not desecrate your memory by floundering in a sea of tears.

I am now back in my old life.  The old life that fit me so comfortably.  But I am not the same person.  I will take the love and the memories and tuck them away in a special place in my heart as I move forward to see what life still holds in its hand for me.

~~~~~~~~

This Saturday, December 10 and Sunday, December 11 I will be hosting my annual Open House & Sale at my home and studio at 47 Duke St – apt 2 in Hamilton from 12 to 4 p.m. both days.  This year it will also be a tribute to Lennie with some photos, memorabilia and Hawai’ian treats.  I hope to see you there.

Kathryn

www.kathrynsmith.com

905-528-4197

We met on the Internet in one serendipitous moment in time.  It was Valentine’s Day 2009.  What does any single woman do on Valentine’s Day?   We stay home and read, watch television or peruse the Internet.  I was looking for a book.  I could not remember the author’s last name or the title, so I was sitting at the computer Googling in variables.  Up popped an assortment of websites with some of the words that I had used and one had a photo accompanying it.  This was the photo that first grabbed my attention.  Suddenly, as we are wont to do on the Internet, I was distracted from my present search and got sidetracked to the photo in front of me.  It was a photo of a man, relaxed and smiling and standing in front of a mission.  There was one word that accompanied the photo:  “Haloha”.  I was later to find out that was his greeting – a combination of ‘hello’ and ‘aloha’.  The Hawai’ian reference peeked my interest since I had been telling my family since the age of 5 that I would go to Hawai’i some day.  My mom use to say to friends that she didn’t even think that I knew what Hawai’i was, yet I constantly talked about it.  In later years I started to collect some Hawai’ian items like a shirt that I slept in and it was a sunset of Hawai’i that was my first commissioned painting in my late teens.

It seemed innocent enough just to address before I would be directed to the site.  This seemed easy and harmless and from there I was redirected to his personal page on an Internet dating site.  I read his profile and realized that this man did live in Hawai’i.  This was like something out of a romance novel and while the other two photos of him tugged at my heartstrings with his dark, handsome good looks, I knew that this was just fantasy.  I went back to the job at hand and found the book that I was looking for.  I turned off my computer and went to bed.

The next morning, turning back on the computer and getting into my e-mail, I was shocked to see a message from a website that I did not know.  It started with the word, “Haloha”.  The e-mail had come via a website and stated that I could not correspond with this person unless I was a paid member.  Another Internet scam.  I knew it.  They probably used fake photos just to lure you in.  Well, not this little black duck, as Daffy Duck would say.  So, instead of signing up – which I had no intention of doing – I politely sent a reply to this fictitious photo saying, “Thank you for writing to me, but since I have no intention of signing up to any dating site you will probably not even receive this e-mail.”  There.  It was done and I wouldn’t be clicking on any more men’s photos again.  I pulled on my boots and parka and went out into the cold February air with my dog Chaucer.

We walked a fair distance through the neighborhood and I found myself close to my friend’s house.  We went over there to see if she and her dog wanted to join us, but first I needed to warm up a bit.  We sat there in her kitchen with some tea and I told her about what had happened the night before on the Internet and that this guy (fake or not) had actually been able to contact me.  How does this happen when you only give your e-mail to a company?  We went over to her computer so that I could show her my one and only e-mail from this stranger in Hawai’i.  When I opened up my e-mail I was shocked to see that there was another e-mail from ‘him’.  This one was asking me if I was planning on coming to Hawai’i as he could see that I lived in Canada.  All I could think was “How did he get my e-mail address?”.

After finishing our walk I got back on the computer and had to know how he had ‘found’ me.  I typed back thanking him for writing to me, but that this was not a part of my life and while one day I would like to visit Hawai’i this was not the time and HOW did he get my e-mail address?  Now it is important to mention here that I had not even listed my real e-mail address.  I had made up another name and e-mail address since I am the most cautious person that exists.  Anyone that knows me would say that I am the very last person that would ever go onto an Internet dating site.

He must have been on-line as the answer came back in just a few minutes.  He knew the owner of the site.  Let this be a caution to anyone out there for either themselves or their children, that you are exposing more than you think when you are on the Internet and for some people it is very easy to find you.

He told me his name was Lennie and he gave me his cell phone number and some other pertinent information.  He said that he liked my photo and would be happy to get to know me.  Would I like to come to Hawai’i?  Would I be that brave?  Would I take a chance on finding happiness with someone over 5,000 miles away?  Well, I didn’t call him, but started a sort of pen pal camaraderie with him that had all the overtones of new love.  He told me that he was just thinking about ending a relationship with a woman.  The final blow had come on Valentine’s Day when he had made the romantic gesture of ordering flowers at the florist where she worked.  The owner had this woman make a beautiful arrangement of roses and then when she had finished, the owner of the shop told her that she had just made them for herself and that they were from Lennie.  Well she didn’t like that.  She had called up Lennie and had ripped into him that flowers were not a ‘good enough’ gift for her.  Lennie, deflated, had turned to the Internet.  He said that he did something on Valentine’s Day that he had only done about 3 times:  he looked at the ‘who has viewed me’ list.  He had said that he never cared who had looked at him if they didn’t bother to write.  And there I was.  One serendipitous moment in time that had started our beautiful love affair that was yet to come.

The photo of Lennie that  captured my heart – still my favorite photo of him.

Kathryn

www.kathrynsmith.com

The memorial service was planned for 10 a.m. on Sunday morning.  I had wanted to wait until next week, but there were family here that had booked flights back to the mainland.   It has not been easy planning the service as everyone has had different opinions of what they think Lennie or ‘dad’ would have wanted.  In truth all he had asked was that his ashes be scattered over the water off Fort DeRussy Park in Waikiki.  I was going to make sure that happened.  The rest, they could fight out amongst themselves.

On any typical Sunday it would be a leisurely 20 minute drive to Waikiki, but this week the APEC (Asian, Pacific Environmental Conference) Summit is on.  A few nights ago I had been taken out for dinner by a friend of Lennie’s and mine to the Halekulani which is reputed to be the most expensive hotel in Waikiki at about $1,000 per night on their rooms.  We speculated that this was the hotel where the Sultan of Brunei was staying as every leader was at a different hotel.  It had taken us a $30 cab ride just to go from the Convention Center to the Halekulani.  Today did not look any more promising as my friend Debbie and I left together to pick up the food and then head to the service.  His ex-wife had ordered the food and had insisted that I pick it up as there was no room in her rental car.  I figured, as I headed out, that it had probably not been paid for as Lennie had always said that she was contstantly crying broke.  I was right.  I paid the $195 for the sandwich platters and fruit trays that she had wanted to order.

We drove up the Pali highway as we usually do to get to Honolulu and there really was not much traffic.  And then up ahead as the cars approached the freeway exit at Honolulu the cars stopped.  We got off at the exit right beside us and were literally guided straight into the merging traffic of the locals using the side streets and back roads into Waikiki.  As we approached Kalaimoku there was nothing ahead of us.  The barricades had just been taken down in the minutes preceding as Obama and his motorcade had just passed in the opposite direction and we drove straight through this 4 or 5 lane street almost alone.  Turning onto Lewers we found the same thing and pulled into a parking spot for Fort DeRussy Park where the service would be.  I knew that Lennie had guided me in as the realitives and friends started calling, saying things such as they have been stuck on H1 for an hour and a half without moving.  Others had been stopped at road blocks and had their cars searched – which happened to Lennie’s sister and his dad.  So here were Debbie and I, alone in the park at 10 a.m.  The ex and his daughters arrived over half an hour later and Lennie’s sister and dad got there in another 15 minutes, being unlucky enough to have been stopped by security in front of the Hawai’ian Hilton and having their car searched.  Finally the service started at 12 noon.

I don’t know how I kept my composure without crying at all today.  Maybe it was because of the trip here when I knew that Lennie was guiding me in.  A few family members spoke and I reflected on what Lennie had told me many times; he use to say that he “never, ever knew a love like this existed.”  While he was taken far too soon, he was in a really good place in his life.  He had now known unconditional love and had felt that also for me.  It was sort of like a golfer having a great day and then just dropping dead on the course – it might be awful for everyone else, but just how they would want to go.  I then played a CD of ‘About You’ by Cecilio and Kapono that you can listen to on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnxSxYwBvN8 .  It described us perfectly and always brought tears to Lennies eyes as they welled up with love for me.

So what could have been awful with the barricades and delays turned out nice although many people phoned saying they had to turn back.  After the service we walked down to the water and what seemed to take an eternity while the sisters discussed back and forth how and where to deposit the ashes in the water.  After about a half hour Lennie’s friend Jaimie found an barnicle-encrusted surfboard that had long been abandoned and paddled out with Lennie’s sister and two daughters and they scattered the ashes on the water at Waikiki off the shore of Fort DeRussy Park.  Those were where some of his fondest memories were and where he, and then he and I, would go to the Bragg exercise class and if Patricia Bragg were in Hawai’i, the 3 of us would go out for lunch after.

Those days of love and laughter are now gone for awile, but I will find strength and warmth in the memories that we made with each other.  I am going to be needing his strength as I deal with his daughters and ex-wife over the next few days.  But all that plays through my mind right now is the title to another favorite song of Lennies - this one from Elvis – “I’ll Remember You”.  …..I will always remember you Lennie Schneider and there will always be a special place for you in my heart that will remain yours alone.

Right now I will stay in Hawai’i for a week or so and watch the family drama unfold.  The type of drama that always follows a funeral.  The final insult to Lennie was when the sandwiches were put out after the service.  He had been brought up Jewish and had never even tasted pork.  It was not allowed in our home, our fridge or at any party that we threw.  His ex-wife had ordered mixed sandwiches including ham.  A ham sandwich – the final insult.

Holding Lennie (his ashes) in my arms one last time.

Goodbye my love,

Kuuipo (hawai’ian for ‘my sweetheart)

kathrynsmith.com

Tonight I drove in to Waikiki to have dinner with a friend.  A $30 cabride got us the 10 blocks or so from the Ala Moana Hotel to the Halekulani because the security was so high during APEC (Asian, Pacific Environmental Conference).  The dignitaries are scattered amongst Waikiki’s finest hotels.  Outside the Ala Moana were several SUVs with ‘Indonesian Delegates’ marked on the dashboards.  The Russian President was staying at the hotel of a tourist that I helped cross the parking lot.  She said that at one point there were 60 secret service men on her floor.  The local residents have been asked to stay away from Waikiki during APEC due to the road and sidewalk closures.

The barricades are supposed to start coming down at 11 p.m. on Saturday night and I hope that they do as Lennie’s memorial service is scheduled for Sunday morning at Fort DeRussy park where he had asked me to scatter his ashes over the ocean there.  This is the spot where the Bragg exercise class meets every morning, a class that helped him regain his health years ago.

I sat in the lanai restaurant overlooking the ocean with our friend staring out at the blackness of the boat-less water.  I am sad, but feel Lennie’s presence all around me when I least expect it.  At lunch the other day I was bemoaning the fact that I could not read my menu in the dim restaurant when a car pulled up to the front and the sun hit his windshield, causing a beam of light to project right onto the menu.  I looked at my friend and smiled and said, “Lennie’s here.”  So place after place that I frequent where we have been many times before I ask for an extra place setting and put a little bit of food on a plate for him, wishing he were somehow here again.  One of the Vietnamese owners of our favorite restaurant looked at me his eyes tuning red with unshed tears and said, “We do that too.”

Tonight we walked the length of the Waikiki strip as I had done with Lennie the first time I came to Hawai’i.  It seemed all different now.  There were not the crowded streets that had been there before due to APEC, so the livelyness and vitality were gone.

The night was quiet as I missed my love, but the worst times are the mornings.  At night in the still darkness I can pretend that he is still beside me, but come the light of day there is an emptiness in the room and in my heart.

Kathryn

www.kathrynsmith.com

It is with great sadness and a very heavy heart that I have to write this.  My love Lennie passed away at 6:45 Monday morning.  He died in my arms, enveloped in my love.  Life will never be the same without him.

Lennie Schneider 1948-2011

SPLENDOR IN THE GRASS 

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now forever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
Grieve not, rather find,
Strength in what remains behind,
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be,
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering,
In the faith that looks through death
In years that bring the philisophic mind.

William WordsworthEnglish poet (1770 – 1850)

Please continue to read my blog for backflashes, photos and the story of us.

Kathryn

www.kathrynsmith.com

It is Friday night as I sit here crying.  I have a flight booked back to Honolulu for tomorrow morning.

Lennie was rushed into hospital a few hours ago with a perforated bowel.  The cancer has spread and his vital signs are not good due to the fecal matter that is seeping into his system.  The doctors believe that he will not survive the surgery and that even if he does, he will remain in ICU for maybe 3 weeks, full of tubes and die there.  The decision has been made to not try for the difficult surgery and instead make him comfortable.  He is not expected to live through the weekend.

Dear God,

Please let me make it back to Lennie one more time.  I have loved him so much and my heart is breaking that I may not kiss his lips just one more time.

Kathryn